An Open Letter to Stephen Colbert

Dear Mr. Colbert,

In this time of great uncertainty, I have always looked to you and your oracle-like “gut” for guidance. Without fail, “What Would Colbert Do?” is the first question on my lips each morning (since I tattooed it there after Episode #131 (Guest: Dermot Mulroney)) and it’s a mantra that keeps me strong in the face of all the uncomfortable “facts” and “scientific reason” I encounter on a daily basis.

I swore my allegiance to the Colbert Nation when you asked me to. I downloaded your Christmas album at the appointed time. I built my family on the potency of your Colbert Formula 401. I have always believed you to be the great American hero you purport to be.

And then I witnessed this monstrous act:

And just when I thought all anti-Ewok sentiment had been extinguished from society (or was at least safely diverted toward Jar Jar Binks)!! In one horrific moment, you gleefully

re-ignited the very hatred that Billy Dee Williams and I have fought so hard against, as seen in our video below:

Mr. Colbert, I hope my song has pierced your icy heart in the same way Luke’s loyalty pierced that of his father. I expect you to offer a sincere and immediate apology to those furry, peace-loving Endor Moon residents. Your refusal may force me to reconsider my Colbert Nation citizenship and direct my loyalties elsewhere.

I hear the Danish are a very Ewok-tolerant people.

Sincerely,
Andrew “Yub-Nub” Zilch

WEDDING SINGERS

We’re ready to make your wedding AWESOME.

ELEVATOR SIMPLICITY

Here’s a blast-from-the-past Elevator episode I wrote/performed. Enjoy.

CHRISTIAN BALE ISN’T THE ONLY ACTOR WITH ANGER ISSUES

Hard to believe, I know, but your friendly Internet Chaperone MARTY has been known to lose his cool from time to time.

SKETCH GROUP RULE #1:

If your sketch group has access to an adorable baby (or in this case, BABIES), then you have no choice but to exploit their cuteness in a comedy sketch.

Here’s a new one from my video group Very Angry Neighbors.

MAN IN THE BOX — featuring Dave Days (and me).

YouTube celeb Dave Days stopped by for some “Man in the Box” fun.

Not to be outdone, I went with the butterfly tie on pink.

LIVE DOUCHEBAGS!

Here’s a photo from the recent Runawaybox/Last Call Cleveland live show in Hollywood:

That’s Matt Zitelli, Mike Polk, and yours truly rockin’ out to the DOUCHEBAG SONG.

Good times.

WORST STRIPPER SONGS EVER?

I recently attended a bachelor party held at a seedy LA strip club. Throughout the night, I wondered: What could possibly make the act of throwing dollar bills at unhappy, naked women even less sexy? Not much.

That is, unless the women were dancing to any of the following cringe-worthy tunes:

SHE’S ONLY SEVENTEEN – WINGER
“Barely legal” and “illegal” are two very different concepts. And I bet there’s an
off-duty cop in here who could explain that better than I could.

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? – BAHA MEN
It’s safe to assume that the young lady who strips to this song is either:

A) Not pretty, and painfully aware of that.
B) A diehard Cleveland Browns fan.

Or most likely, a combination of A + B.

SHE’S GOT THE JACK – AC/DC
AC/DC is from Australia where “the jack” is slang for gonorrhea. So maybe that lap dance isn’t such a terrific idea.

JANIE’S GOT A GUN – AEROSMITH
No thanks, Steven Tyler. We’ve already got enough implied daddy/daughter sexual abuse in here.

MY HUMPS – BLACK-EYED PEAS
This is a perfectly appropriate stripper song until Will I. Am contributes his lyrics: “I mix your milk wit’ my cocoa puff / Milky milky cocoa / Mix your milk with my cocoa puff…”

Is he likening his penis to a cocoa puff? Why would he do that??

IN-A-GADDA-DA-VIDA – IRON BUTTERFLY
I’m sure there are a few legendary dancers out there who could keep a striptease interesting for 17 minutes. But they probably don’t work here.

BRICK – BEN FOLDS FIVE
Two words not conducive to bachelor party revelry: Abortion ballad.

WHERE THE HELL IS MATT IN 2029?

I don’t know about Matt, but here’s me making an appearance in a video by the talented FallofAutumnDistro.

If you haven’t seen the video that this one is spoofing, check it out here:

A BLOG IS BORN!

What’s that, you say? The World Wide Internet needs one more blog site from a random jackass whose ramblings you couldn’t care less about?!

Well, you can all relax now. The Andrew Zilch blog is up and running.

In all honesty, I don’t really know what this is going to be. I have no grand vision for this blog other than to post occasional video embeds, funny stories, opinions, and other things that relate to yours truly.

I try not to set goals. But if I was forced to have one for this blog, it would be to post things on a regular basis. Luckily, it’s my name at the top of this blog, so I get to define what regular basis means. That works nicely for me!!

Anyway, feel free to check in from time to time. Hopefully you’ll like what you see here. If not, I think there are a handful of other folks posting blogs around the Internet. There might be one that suits you better.

But seriously, thanks for stopping by!

Andrew