An Open Letter to Stephen Colbert

April 30, 2009 on 7:32 pm | 10 Comments

Dear Mr. Colbert,

In this time of great uncertainty, I have always looked to you and your oracle-like “gut” for guidance. Without fail, “What Would Colbert Do?” is the first question on my lips each morning (since I tattooed it there after Episode #131 (Guest: Dermot Mulroney)) and it’s a mantra that keeps me strong in the face of all the uncomfortable “facts” and “scientific reason” I encounter on a daily basis.

I swore my allegiance to the Colbert Nation when you asked me to. I downloaded your Christmas album at the appointed time. I built my family on the potency of your Colbert Formula 401. I have always believed you to be the great American hero you purport to be.

And then I witnessed this monstrous act:

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
A Rare Correction – Stephen Eats an Ewok
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Keyboard Cat

And just when I thought all anti-Ewok sentiment had been extinguished from society (or was at least safely diverted toward Jar Jar Binks)!! In one horrific moment, you gleefully

re-ignited the very hatred that Billy Dee Williams and I have fought so hard against, as seen in our video below:

Mr. Colbert, I hope my song has pierced your icy heart in the same way Luke’s loyalty pierced that of his father. I expect you to offer a sincere and immediate apology to those furry, peace-loving Endor Moon residents. Your refusal may force me to reconsider my Colbert Nation citizenship and direct my loyalties elsewhere.

I hear the Danish are a very Ewok-tolerant people.

Andrew “Yub-Nub” Zilch


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  1. Awesome! You tell him Andrew!!

    Comment by Eddy Gurge — April 30, 2009 #

  2. Shame on you, Mr. Colbert… shame.

    Comment by TinkerbellKat — April 30, 2009 #

  3. “Wave of the finger” to you, Mr. Colbert. Hey Andy, its been a long time. I enjoyed your video!

    Comment by Zach Ensign — May 1, 2009 #

  4. Blasphemer! I can’t believe Stephen Colbert would do such a thing. I’m going out tomorrow and getting my “I heart stephen” tats removed.

    Comment by Julie — May 1, 2009 #

  5. How could Mr. Colbert have strayed so far from the path? I feel so abandoned. Thankfully we have Zilch, a true advocate! Yay Zilch!

    Comment by Tomahawk420 — May 1, 2009 #

  6. I was watching that on tv when it aired and i was upset

    i watch every episode he does

    and tell him andrew

    cause i want one!! (NOT TO EAT)

    Comment by Chris Wilshee — May 4, 2009 #

  7. We are very Ewok-tolerant, but it is sort of forced. The vikings almost drove them to extinction back in the days, so we have some kind of collective guilty conscience. Kind of like you guys and Native Americans, I’d guess?
    Dunno if they’re an Apex-predator here? Must be them or badgers…

    Comment by Soren015 — May 14, 2009 #

  8. Many thanks for the help in this question, now I will not commit such error.

    Comment by towandajop — June 5, 2009 #

  9. Hi, Congratulations to the site owner for this marvelous work you’ve done. It has lots of useful and interesting data.

    Comment by Weesimigo — June 5, 2009 #

  10. Great work, Andy! I do now feel so enlightened! I have been a “lifelong” Colbert fan, but am now seriously reconsidering my “Colbert Nation Citizenship”. I am quite heartbroken, to be frank. The truth hurts…
    PS: my husband thinks that ewoks are disease carrying vermin.

    Comment by Anne Lewis — December 26, 2009 #

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