An Open Letter to Stephen Colbert

April 30, 2009 on 7:32 pm | 10 Comments

Dear Mr. Colbert,

In this time of great uncertainty, I have always looked to you and your oracle-like “gut” for guidance. Without fail, “What Would Colbert Do?” is the first question on my lips each morning (since I tattooed it there after Episode #131 (Guest: Dermot Mulroney)) and it’s a mantra that keeps me strong in the face of all the uncomfortable “facts” and “scientific reason” I encounter on a daily basis.

I swore my allegiance to the Colbert Nation when you asked me to. I downloaded your Christmas album at the appointed time. I built my family on the potency of your Colbert Formula 401. I have always believed you to be the great American hero you purport to be.

And then I witnessed this monstrous act:

The Colbert Report	Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
A Rare Correction – Stephen Eats an Ewok
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Keyboard Cat

And just when I thought all anti-Ewok sentiment had been extinguished from society (or was at least safely diverted toward Jar Jar Binks)!! In one horrific moment, you gleefully

re-ignited the very hatred that Billy Dee Williams and I have fought so hard against, as seen in our video below:

Mr. Colbert, I hope my song has pierced your icy heart in the same way Luke’s loyalty pierced that of his father. I expect you to offer a sincere and immediate apology to those furry, peace-loving Endor Moon residents. Your refusal may force me to reconsider my Colbert Nation citizenship and direct my loyalties elsewhere.

I hear the Danish are a very Ewok-tolerant people.

Sincerely,
Andrew “Yub-Nub” Zilch